This is a blog post written by my wife. We’ve never shared this publicly until today…
I had different plans for March 6, 2013.
These plans involved being 40 weeks pregnant and giving birth to a beautiful healthy baby! I (we) even had some names picked out for this little one! Of course we wouldn’t have known till now whether it was a girl or boy because we LOVE the element of surprise added to the intense, stressful, agonizing, yet joyful experience we like to call Labor and Delivery! However, the Lord had different plans.
I will never forget my 13 week ultrasound. Kevin and I could not wait to see this little gift! This little baby brought some healing to an already heavy heart. Nine months prior to this ultrasound, we had lost Baby #3 to miscarriage at 7 weeks. It was the most intense inner pain I had ever experienced. I felt at times like I had been kicked in the stomach over and over. There were days when I felt like I couldn’t breathe because the pain was too much. YET, the Lord was so faithful to walk right beside me. He took us through that season and I prayed that that season would never come again. I asked the Lord to heal my wounded, fragile heart and He did something so sweet! On what would have been my due date for our 3rd precious baby, I found out I was pregnant with Baby #4! Now, back to that ultrasound appointment…
As I laid on the table and the nurse ran the ultrasound wand over my belly, we immediately saw the baby with hands, feet, eyes, ears, mouth! It looked smaller to me than I had anticipated, but I anxiously waited to see it move and hear a heartbeat. Unfortunately, neither of those things happened. I knew that we were once again faced with walking the road of miscarriage.
Miscarriage is something that I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to be able to relate to those who have been through it. But more than that, I didn’t want to be faced with never meeting (at least on earth) 2 babies I had carried. They were 2 lives that I had prayed for and anticipated being a part of our family. I wanted to hold them in my arms and smell their sweet baby smell. I wanted the opportunity to raise these children to trust Jesus as their Savior and have a passion for His Word and a boldness to proclaim His great name! Over time I began to realize that these 2 sweet babies will never endure pain, trials, or heartache. Instead, they got Jesus! The truth of this brings joy to my heart and even a sense of healing knowing they are safe.
Although I wanted this week in my life to look different than it does, His will ultimately prevailed, and although I don’t understand why, I choose to trust His plan. His Word has brought the most healing.
The day after the ultrasound, I was reading Psalm 138 and came across verses 7-8, “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me…The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…” It was like refreshing water to my burning, wounded heart. He would revive me. He would perfect that which concerns me. As I drew near to the Lord through pouring out my heart (and let me just say that I poured out my whole heart-every angry word, every bitter word, every question, every tear), He was right there to give me all I needed to walk through that season. His grace was and is sufficient. He does work all things together for good. He gives and He takes away, but I will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be Your Name!